i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
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Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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