There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
