the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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