hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I love you. Go after that dick
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
