I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
