my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
