Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
