i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
