Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
