I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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