On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
