All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
