distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
