She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
