lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
