i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
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You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My vagina is very pro this idea