I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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