this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
