spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
