peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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