i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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