you would pick up someone in the library
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
