Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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