i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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