also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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