I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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