the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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