My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
