Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.