I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.