things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
