Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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