It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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