the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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