I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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