my mouth tastes like poor choices
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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