Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
