I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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