I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
