My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
