Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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