ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
