when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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