My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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