I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
