you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
