Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
ttyl tear gas
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
