Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize