The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
