she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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