My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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