no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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