I just made out with a guy for $7.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
