Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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