i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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